Isolation has made little difference to the residents of a themed retirement complex for theatricals on the Slough Trading Estate. Based on ideas from a place which we must now call The Netherlands, which sometimes used to be called The Netherlands, but usually Holland, but now does not seem to be, is revolutionary – the complex that is, not The Netherlands. It provides a new approach to the care of what used to be described in Scotland as “being a bit wandered” which surely sounds nicer than what we now call “demented”, which sounds quite horrible. Still we are having to get used to all sorts of things being called something else and indeed all sorts of new things in general. It is after all a ‘new normal’.
This lavishly endowed complex, The Home for the Terminally Over-dressed, caters for those who have been the nation’s leading thespians and allows them to live out their retirement, not in the present but in those periods and settings which were “the time of our lives.” There are reproduction street scenes for those who have played Dickensian characters from the novels of that most famous Dickensian Charles Dickens himself. There is even a dockyard where those who appeared in the Onedin Line can spend the day embarking and disembarking on a ship that is going nowhere. A mock- up department store is a great hit with those who were extras in Are You Being Served or Mr Selfridge. In any given day goodness knows how many reels of thread, yards of knicker elastic and outdated corsets are sold only to be returned by staff for sale again next day.
Although there are more women than men in the complex, there are facilities designed for those who have had more masculine roles. Thus one can pass a pleasant hour in the Dixon of Dock Green reception where by donning a police uniform you can take down the details of a number of agitated members of the public who have witnessed unspeakable crimes or lost their cats. These are played by volunteers from The Slough Eton and Windsor Rotary Club. For those who were in rather more gritty police dramas an East End street of abandoned Ford Capris and Avengers provides ample opportunity to leap in and out in pursuit of “wrong ‘n’s” providing the hip replacement surgeon agrees. There is even a two-tone Ford Anglia for anyone who might have been on the Yorkshire moors in Heartbeat, but few are willing to admit to that. There are dummy cameras everywhere. Makeup artists hove, with brushes and giant cans of Elnette at the ready. Wardrobe mistresses fuss with pins and wonder web. Light and sound engineers do the sort of things technical people do. Or so it seems as in fact they are the staff who care for those in this truly advanced drama.
Largely unknown to the residents, the outside world has itself been involved in a real life drama. Covid19 has brought fear and change to a world already trying to cope without Dame Vera and political leaders whose characters are so improbable and two dimensional that any playwright would be told to give them “at least some semblance of depth and humanity.” The treatment of older people in this “unprecedented pandemic” has in general been little short of unprecedented if not criminal. The home for theatricals, has however, blissfully escaped all of this as not only do all the staff live on site in excellent conditions, the residents who became ill during this time were treated in the facility’s own excellent hospitals. Of course, these are not real hospitals, but are faithful reproductions of TV drama hospitals. The bar being set by Emergency Ward 10 and Dr Kildare. Many of the actors have played medical personnel for so long they are not only convinced they are doctors and nurses, but they have considerable medical knowledge. Quite a number can not only operate a vintage Boyles Machine but are pretty dexterous with the old chest spreaders and lines such as “Stand back. Give me 10cc’s of Ovaltine,” are often to be heard, coming from behind screens last used in Carry on Nurse. The upshot is the place is pretty self- contained, spick and span and thankfully there has been little loss of life. Apart from “Stretcher bearer no 4”, who was knocked over by a World War I ambulance from a Community Arts Project which had revived Oh What a Lovely War in 2018, for the centenary and had played to “excluded audiences” in Welwyn Garden City.
The most celebrated resident of The Home for the Terminally Overdressed is of course Sir Sebastian Wylie-Fox, who occupies the prestigious Judy Garland Suite in the ‘Over the Rainbow Wing’. He is famous for his Shakespearean Roles and for being the nephew of the 20th century’s most memorable design influencers Baroness Muriel Wylie of Waterside and her husband Jasper.
The knight probably has the most advanced case of being Very Theatrical this side of David Garrick. However, his general health is not as bad as he would like us to believe, but “one man in his time plays many parts” and being “method”, Sebastian does not believe in half measures. He knows full well what is going on most of the time. There are odd days of confusion, but as Matron has said the fact is “Sir Sebastian could quite easily be managed in the more hands off ‘Barbara Stanwick Wing, but unfortunately it does not have “a theatre in the round,” bathroom and shower, not to mention the reproduction ruby red slippers in an alcove, with touchscreen.
The truth is Sebastian is very wealthy and his monthly account goes a long way to maintaining the Home’s high standards as do endowments from his late aunt. His late cousin, well second cousin actually, the American entrepreneur Lulubelle Du Bois, also provided funds for the Home’s ‘Fiddle De Dee Gardens’ which have ben the subject of a Gardner’s World Special and an enchanting Civil War Re-enactment for Channel 5.
The Adam Wing also has close ties with Sebastian with an endowment left by Lady Pentland-Firth for those actors who appeared in Georgian costume dramas. The cast of a current BBC series will not of course be eligible on account of bringing the 18th century into disrepute.
Sebastian has been more than kept up to date with goings on and has not been slow to use circumstances to make mischief. In his eyes it is mischief of the most positive kind as despite his considerable wealth and influence he has radical views of the left- wing variety which he inherited from his Uncle Jasper. His one issue with his Aunt Muriel was always over her conservative politics and her part in the rise of Britain’s first woman Prime minister, particularly concerning her style notably handbags and pussy bows. To her credit she did have a change of heart and became a cross bencher in the House of Lords. The Prime Minister and Aunt Muriel would frequently clash over Europe as Muriel was very fond of French Toast and Paris and of course had been honoured by President De Gaulle for her part in the Resistance.
Sebastian is something of a social media fan, especially with the help of his general factotum and driver Dean Travers ( grandson of Mrs Travers, the woman what did but never enough) and his wife Pearl who acts as secretary and operates the phone, keyboards and Sebastian’s extensive collection of atomisers. So, he has been busy winding up everyone and drawing attention to himself, even being invited to have a Hogget Pie from Annan with the First Minister of Scotland. Once that is, she has finished sticking gold stars onto the jotters of 6th year pupils. His tweets suggesting that many of the world’s problems would be solved if world leaders could walk a mile in each other’s shoes has created havoc.
Today restrictions over the number of people to the home have been lifted a little and two unrelated people may visit a resident in the Sound of Music Gazebo provided they have booked and are socially distant. Sebastian has agreed to meet two of his biggest fans Vivienne Valhalla the Uber Curator of the National Museum of Things people are Interested in and the Sunday Supplement writer Hilary De Range.
They are a pair on the make who think that Sebastian is unaware that his cooperation will help their careers. Their fingers are however not entirely on the pulse and because of Global Warming. Me too and Black Lives Matter ( all subjects dear to Sebastian’s heart) Museums “as a construct” or at least as we know them are probably on their way out and as for print media the writing on the wall has been on the wall for a while. These women, however, cannot see the wood for the trees and are desperate to know what is happening to “Wylie World, the heritage project of the century”, to quote Newsnight. They arrive to find Sebastian taking tea in the middle of the Gazebo while a rather elderly Captain Von Trapp’s daughter (a former Tiller Girl) and a Telegram boy on a bicycle sing You are Sixteen.
“Oh, Sir Sebastian what a pleasure to see you again, we are honoured to be your first socially distanced guests. You look simply marvellous.”
“Good afternoon ladies. Good to see you have not lost your ability to lay it on with a trowel. And please don’t use that expression ‘simply marvellous’. Only my aunt could use it and mean it. She graciously allowed me to use it too. I have taken the liberty of ordering Earl Gray and mixed tray bakes, all Mrs Travers’ recipes, she could do wonders with Maltesers. I have them made by the people in that baking programme, you know the one that comes on after the programme that tells us all we are getting fat.”
“You are too kind Sir. We are watching waistlines but one cannot resist an archive recipe.”
“Now what can I do for you? I am sure you are not here to do anything for me.”
“Oh, you jest Sir Sebastian! Might we have the background music turned down? Fond as we both are of The Sound of Music, we cannot hear ourselves think.”
“Certainly. Oy! Doris, Reg, you were marvellous, Dahlings, simply marvellous. Doris, organza was made for you and Reg, you brought the right amount of blond youthful menace to the part even although you are bald and 87. That bicycle was sheer genius, it screamed “Anschluss.” Perhaps you should both take a well-earned rest. Matron is serving schnitzel and strudel in the Alpine Lounge with a Lonely Goatherd puppet show.”
“Really, we must dash – ‘when the dog bites, when the bee stings’….. I could braid my hair and Reg you could put on your Lederhosen. Sir Lawrence you say the nicest things. Yodle yo hey ho….”
“See you Dahlings for the singing competition with Uncle Max. I will have the car ready, engine running, not a sound understand.”
“We do, not a word Captain.”
“Oh, aren’t they sweet?”
“Don’t be so patronising. In her day she could knock the spotlights out at the Palladium with her high kicks and he filled every summer season at Blackpool for years with his ventriloquist act. His Harold Wilson was wonderful, he could even do the voice and smoke a pipe at the same time. Now milk or lemon?”
“We understand Sir Sebastian that your plans for ‘Wylie World’ were at an advanced stage when the Pandemic arrived in March. Surely this project is now dead in the water? Perhaps you might consider donating your collection to the Museum of Interesting Things?”
“With a colour spread for my paper and an in-depth article as to how this terrible personal calamity epitomises the collapse of culture in Britain because of the worst health crisis in a century or 100 years. I was thinking “Curtains for Leading Shakespearean’s Tribute Plans” might be the headline. It’s all so sad, you must be devastated”
“What makes you think its curtains? Anyway people are only devastated in Paisley.”
“Well a number of reasons, Sir – investors are not going to have the money; you cannot guarantee the footfall; no one can afford to go out and even if they can there are the social distant requirements to consider. Surely the planned interpretive “ride” from 1952 -1962 in a merry-go-round of miniature Humber Super Snipes, with steering wheels, gear change and complimentary string back Jasper driving gloves is just impossible? What about Uncle Jasper’s Shed Experience?
Only related visitors will be able to sort his pottery collection. In the light of recent developments it is too un-inclusive. Think about your aunt’s Cousin Lulubelle – her wealth and its sources on the plantations too are a cause for concern. Even your aunt’s lineage would be in question.”
“Well, firstly I wish you would stop calling it social distancing. It’s physical distancing. Social distancing is what lies between Aunt Muriel and Mrs Travers. Secondly necessity is the mother of invention. Of course, I realise things have changed – I am old not stupid. What is more we intend to tell the truth about the family fortune. And we will do it, with on- line and augmented reality.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well in the future you won’t have to leave home to have an experience. You will be able to become totally immersed in ‘Wylie World’ from your sofa.”
“You mean….”
“Yes, it will be possible to try on Muriel’s swing=back coats, Lady Pentland-Firth’s luxury lingerie range or Mrs Traver’ aprons and support stockings as if you were there. We might even have a robotic Mrs McCauley It is called A. I..”
“What’s that”
“It stands for Artificial intelligence, it’s all about algorithms.”
“Can’t say we’ve heard of it, have we Vivienne?”
“No, Hilary. It must have been in the Guardian long read.”
“You surprise me ladies. You seem to specialise in all that is artificial. More tea? By the way love the masks.”
“I think face coverings is the preferred term.”
“No, masks sum you both up perfectly. Now anything else? I have work to do. My publisher wants to see the first draft of ‘Super Soups – From the Kitchen Archives of Mrs Esme Travers’. It will soon be possible to make Pea and Ham Soup with Mrs T as if you are in the Rural Bolthole and have a drone deliver the ingredients, should you really want to make it. Familiar with drones, are we?
Sir Sebastian Wylie Fox
August 2020
Copyright © 2023 Artemis Scotland - Website by Sensor Studios
