There has been a volcanic eruption on the British Territory of Tristan de Cuna. The entire population is being evacuated to Surrey which is bound to cause consternation at Haslemere Station in the mornings.
The First Edition of a new satirical magazine called Private Eye has been published.
Songs of Praise, a new religious programme, (in which viewers can watch other people singing in church and looking smug or uncomfortable), has been broadcast on the B.B.C.. It cannot possibly last.
The party conferences have finished. In Blackpool Labour has moved to the right and in Brighton the Conservatives have moved to the left. As usual the Liberals do not know if they are coming or going.
Aker Bilk has just released Stranger on the Shore
In “that London” the Wylies have left The Ritz and are now at Euston station boarding The Royal Scot for Glasgow. The forecast suggests that on arrival it will be showery with “an edge to the wind.”
“There you are Mr and Mrs Wylie, First Class with one facing forward and one facing back.”
“Thank you commissioner, you have been most kind and we are very grateful to the station master for bringing our patronage to your attention and the flowers – so very kind, how thoughtful.
“Well, it is not every day one returns from the United States near America having advised the First Lady on emulsion and gloss paint. I like a bit of Gossamer Green myself. The restaurant car manager will put them in water for you.”
“Too kind, and my valises and portmanteaux?”
“They are all safely in the Guard’s van Mrs Wylie and as you requested each piece resting on a Mackintosh Square, (Industrial quality) to prevent scuffing during motion. The Central Station Staff in Glasgow are poised, like gazelles, for your arrival.”
“Well Jasper here we are, homeward bound and thank you so much for the treat of staying at The Ritz. A perfect end to our trip to Washington, quite close to the U.S.A.. There can be no finer room in the world than the Palm Court at The Ritz.”
“Apart from my Museum in a Shed!”
“Each to their own Jasper, but I appreciate the sentiment. It will be nice to get home. I do hope everything is “tickety-boo”, three months is a long time to be away. There will be much to catch up on.”
“Oh, I shouldn’t worry Dahling. Lady Pentland-Firth has been keeping a watchful eye on everything and I am sure Mrs Travers will have all the domestic arrangements battleship ready, as we said in the Navy.”
“You were never in the Navy.”
“True, but I have been on the Dunoon Ferry a number of times and that has to count for something.”
“Please don’t tell me you were torpedoed off Gourock.”
“No but I once took our nephew Sebastian (the Shakespearean actor) on the Gay Queen, and we ran aground on “the narrows.” Sebastian has always said it gives him his motivation for Twelfth Night.”
“Well, I suppose Illyria is probably much like the Clyde Coast – equally mythical, anyway. I was sorry not to have seen Sebastian again before we left. Where did he say he was going?”
“Columbia Pictures – a screen test for a role in Lawrence of Arabia, with Peter O’Toole, they say it’s going to be big.”
“My mother knew the Lawrences.”
“Did she? You never said.”
“I had forgotten Jasper; we knew so many people. Of course, Ned was just a child at the time. They had a house for a couple of years in Kirkcudbright, “Craigville” in St Mary Street, number 89, I think. My grandparents used to take a house there for the summer in the late 1880s, early 1890s. Nice place, lots of painters, not house painters, of course, I mean the ones with smocks, pallets and come-to-bed eyes. I think my Mamma was having a dalliance with one of the artists. She was always a bit coy when gouache was mentioned and a water colour wash made her weak at the knees.”
“Well, Muriel, your family never ceases to amaze. Talking of amazing we are leaving Euston on time.”
Perhaps not quite American Service
“Good morning, Mr and Mrs Wylie, how lovely to have you on board. I’m Shuggie frae Shettleston, anʼ I’m one ʼo they waiters in the dinin’ car today. Mrs Wylie, doll, might I say what a rare talent yoose have in the matter o’ a travelling costume. Yer beaver captures the moment perfectly. Here’s some coffee an’ a wee slice o’ individually wrapped Dundee Cake tae see yoose through ʼtil lunch.”
“Shuggie, Shettleston, wee, Dundee, all music to my ears.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Are you perchance also a radical folk singer, bent on revolution Mr Shuggie?”
“Yes, Madam.”
“Thought so.”
“How does yoose know, Madam? Is it ma overly solicitous an’ creepy manner towards the Glasgow bourgeoisie?”
“No, but you are over familiar even for a Glaswegian. However, there is a harmonica and a copy of the Daily Worker, sticking out of your back pocket and I can smell roll ups.”
“Apologies Madam, I’ll repair to the cludgie an’ douse myself wi’ Old Spice, before returning wi’ the luncheon menu. Now compliments o’ the Station Master is The Glasgow Herald fur you Mrs Wylie an’ a magazine for Sir.
“You are forgiven Mr Shuggie. I am longing to see The Glasgow Herald. And what have you brought my husband? I like to know what he is reading in case it’s unsuitable.”
“It’s the first edition o’ a new satirical magazine called Private Eye, cheaply printed an’ poking fun at authority.”
“I intend to keep an eye on you Mr Shuggie. Pre-nationalisation, when my father was a director of The London, Midland and Scottish Railway, cheap printing would never have been allowed, at least not this side of Motherwell.”
“I imagine he had the trains running on time as well, Madam?”
“Well, he might have done had he not spent most of his time up a siding in Polmadie with a floozie from Falkirk.”
“That’s quite enough Jasper.”
“I see we have missed the party conferences Jasper.”
“I cannot imagine we have missed much at all then, Dahling.”
“Well, I am happy to report that the Conservatives have returned from Brighton reinvigorated and imbued with a sense of purpose. Apparently, Iain Macleod, the Chairman, wants a new softer image for the future, and no longer wishes them to be seen as simply “a party of hangers and floggers.” The right it seems is well under control and poised for victory in ʼ63.”
“I look forward to seeing how long that lasts Muriel.”
“You can be so cynical Jasper. Talking of missing things, you will be sorry to know that you missed a C.N.D. march in Glasgow.”
“Oh dear, did anything untoward happen?”
“No, surprisingly it seems not. The usual untidy bunch, but with “a sprinkling of clerical collars,” no doubt Methodists and the guitar playing wing of the Church of Scotland. There were about 150 students from the varsity, which was quite a good institution when we left, though clearly on a downward trajectory.”
“Muriel I cannot help feeling you are rather irritable this morning. I thought you were looking forward to going home.”
“Well of course I am Jasper, but I cannot help thinking that life is going to be dull after Washington near America and the Kennedys. It was all so exciting being at the centre of everything. I know Jack is a bit of a lad, but I could out manoeuvre him.”
“Never mind Muriel, at least we have been and how many women in 1961 can say they have picked out drapes for the most powerful couple in the world. Any way you have ‘Chez Nous’ to get back on track, Hallowe’en is coming and I am sure you will have your work cut out engineering the prize for the best costume for Gayle.”
“Really Jasper as if I would do such a thing! San I help it if she has innate talent and star quality and knows how to enter a room?”
“Isn’t that through a door like everyone else? She is 5 Muriel and in Infant School, not Elizabeth Taylor on the set of Cleopatra entering Rome.”
“That’s typical, Jasper, of you and the socialists – crushing ambition and talent! Perhaps you would rather see her, like your Pat Arrowsmith, in Greenock Prison having protested about the Holy Loch submarines.”
“At least she might save the world.”
“Really Jasper. Pass me my Mappin and Webb bag, I need an Askit Pooder.”
“You certainly need something.”
“There you are Mr an’ Mrs Wylie, the luncheon menu. I’ve taken the liberty o’ reserving a table fur the first sitting, it’ll get yoose through Crewe. If I were yoose, I’d plump fur the Melon Boat, wi’ the orange segment sail and glacé cherry tae start wi’.”
“What about the consommé?”
“It’s up tae you Mr Wylie, but tae me it’s just an Oxo Cube an’ two onions, but a good splash o’ Sherry should help. The paté de maison an’ melba toast is ok too.”
“Yes, I think I will have that, thank you Shuggie.”
“And fur Madam, would you like to order? Or shall I come back in a few moments when you’re fully awake?”
“I am always fully awake Mr Shuggie, like an alligator. I will have the melon.”
“Excellent choice and will I dribble a little port o’er it.”
“I like the sound of that, although drizzle might be less onomatopoeic.”
“And for the entrée? Chicken Chasseur or Braised Beef and onions.”
“What do you suggest.”
“The chicken legs are plump and tasty, but I think the beef has the edge.”
“We will go with your recommendation. Jasper, I mean Mr Wylie has had to eat a lot of chicken legs in America. He was something of a sensation with his cutlery.”
“Might I ask why?”
“They eat chicken legs covered in batter with their fingers on the other side of the Pond.”
“Good heavens! We don’t even dae that in Shettleston, although sometimes we hae to share the cutlery. I’ll call you when chef is ready.”
“That was very tasty, and the lemon meringue pie was good too.”
“I agree Jasper and I enjoyed the crackers with a selection of Scottish Cheeses, not that I needed them. I do, however feel better for something to eat.”
“You do seem a bit more agreeable Muriel, now pass me that Herald and I can see what we might do this weekend.”
“Good idea, there you are.”
“This should cheer you up Muriel, Watt Brother’s have special bedlinen offer, Wylie and Lochhead has an Oriental Carpet sale and Daly’s has a tweed and beaver highlight. We could go and do some shopping and then Mr Cosmo has a Dickens’ Week – Oliver Twist or Great Expectations, both by David Lean. Let’s go as Sebastian may be in one of his films. This will give us the feel of his style. Which do you fancy?”
“I think Great Expectations. I love Miss Havisham, she reminds me of Lady Pentland-Firth. Anything for you Jasper in the shopping line?”
“McLaren’s has a special Changing of the Clocks Sale, with man-about-town coats in the new shorter style. They say there is a cold airstream from snowy Ben Nevis and that in Glasgow there’s an edge to the wind.”
A bientot
Muriel Wylie
October 1961
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