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A Pleasing Impression

  • Posted on: 15/02/2019

Notes for a Lecture-ette on conversation by Muriel Wylie (Mrs): written in haste, by Muriel after a breakfast in the Wylie Household, which in Muriel’s view contained many unsuitable subjects for conversation.

 Introduction

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen,

And may I begin by saying how simply marvellous it is for you to be here this afternoon where one hopes that by paying attention and sitting up straight you will absorb many little gems from the latest in my series of lecture-ettes. These are intended as a guide to gracious living in an uncertain world. My subject this afternoon is conversation.

Outside Threats and Unsuitable Legs

Since the last unpleasantness with the you know whos, it has become evident that conversation is under threat from every direction. Personally I think one need look no further than rock and roll, the post war Labour Government and commercial television as the principle culprits. Each in their own way has contributed to the use of rather more consonants than necessary  and the discussion of subjects previously considered only suitable for passing on pieces of folded paper to a judge in a court of law. I refer here of course principally to matters connected with what one might broadly describe as anatomical.

On more than one occasion in the past I have shared with an audience the memory that my dear late grandmamma would be confined to bed for several days if the word “leg” was uttered in her presence. On a good day she might cope with lower limb, but she could not enter a room where piano legs were not covered with three tiers of embroidered lace flounces.

As a young, about to be married, lady in the first flush of homemaking she had briefly considered a dining room suite with Queen Anne legs. The masculine nature of the chair legs gave rise to feelings that she feared might lead to her being enceinte before the wedding day.  The employment of a new cook who unwittingly served a leg of lamb without a decorative paper hat covering the business end, resulted in  Grandmamma’s complete collapse and a month’s convalescence on the Côte d’Azur. For some reason she said it reminded her of Grandpapa on their wedding night, an event which forever put her off mint sauce.

Let’s Practise a Lot of Nothing

I believe the art of conversation should be as Oscar Wilde said “touch everything, but concentrate itself on nothing.” This thought was shared by Samuel Johnson who believed that “the happiest conversation is that of which nothing is distinctly remembered,” but leaves a “pleasing impression.” When my husband is on form he is an expert in this area as he is, generally speaking, able to talk about everything and concentrate on nothing which is just as well as nothing he says is distinctly remembered by anyone.

Generally speaking this is the level of conversational skill one seeks,  dear ladies, in a husband. Anything else may be considered too contrived. Conversation is not easy, that is why it is referred to as an art and while some artists are born, others need a little practise. I am here to help.

The 18th Century is a Good Example

For the great conversationalists one might look at the Ancients such as Socrates or  Cicero or perhaps even Mrs Esme Travers, my own woman what does but not a lot, who is not only ancient but can talk her way out of any situation requiring effort such as damp dusting the stair carpet with a stiff brush. However, pour moi the great age of conversation was the 18th century when courtesy and politeness were the goal of the enlightened which, much as it pains me to say s, included a lot of people in Edinburgh before these qualities were overtaken by parsimony. It is from this period then ladies that I take my inspiration.

So here are my top tips for improving your conversational abilities.

Muriel’s Top tips for Good Conversation

1)    Now the Georgians knew that conversation was about much more than what one says with one’s mouth. They understood that a conversation begins when one enters a room.

It is how one enters a room that is important in beginning a conversation. It is not done sloppily walking like a half shut knife, (take note Lottie Macaulay, coming out of Daly’s as if you lived in the windswept western isles). Walk with purpose. The Georgians liked to mince but this has gone out of fashion except in ballet circles. My nephew Sebastian’s friend Dimitri is one of the best archaic mincers I have ever seen.

2)   Before greeting one’s host, especially if they are your social superiors (not that I speak from experience), pause and admire your surroundings. This was once performed as an exaggerated “attitude,” with an emphasis on awe, but if I were you I would confine it to a brief look of wonder or you may find yourself in an Asylum by mid afternoon. Of course in the 18th century you would be gazing heavenwards at some of Robert Adam’s marvels but you will just have to do your best with a bit of finely considered coving.

There is no need to comment on your surroundings as this is considered vulgar. Your host does not need to be told that this is “a lovely room” or “what an excellent colour choice”. They know it is. In any case, in the best households no one has decorated since the Battle of Waterloo anyway. Well apart from that trompe-l’œil in the conservatory that was done in the 1920s when Uncle Basil thought he might be a stage designer and took up with Cecil Beaton before he saw sense and went into armaments and a shaky marriage.

3)   Conversation is about exchange and your host will have prepared the room in order that it speaks to you, what it will say with its comfortably arranged sofas and chairs is “sit down and talk with me.” You should feel that you are the most important person in the room even if you are socially inferior, which I know most of you are. One can dream!

4)   The invitation to sit and talk is not a signal for you to open your mouth and not draw breath for two hours. A conversation is a two way process. You must give others a chance and you must think before you speak, not thinking is one of the world’s great problems.  Think about your host.

5)   Do not laugh uncontrollably at your own jokes. In the 18th century laughter was considered a sign of lunacy or low breeding. As Grandpappa used to say “a gentleman may usefully employ a wry smile at moments of great humour.”

Equally do not cry. Emotion is very un-Scottish. Crying is for judges pronouncing death sentences or for great political moments. Ladies may shed a tear occasionally to show a pleasant and caring demeanour, but do not overdo it or you will be suspected of coming from a background in service.

6)   Being a man or woman of silence is as bad as talking too much, indeed it is thoughtless and you would b better staying at home with your shell collection.

7)   Talking about one’s own children, and how wonderful they are, is a major faux pas. A brief mention of Roderick’s double first at Oxford is permissible, but dwelling on his Nobel Prize and rugby successes, should be kept to a minimum.  Conversation is not an opportunity to boast. Older people do not want to hear about illness and funerals; they already have a great deal of experience of both. So think before you speak.

You may say something nice about your host’s children, but do not overdo it. You may compliment your hostess, but do not over egg the pudding with too much fulsome flattery such as “Do tell me when did you become the most beautiful woman in the room?” This is nauseating. I should know it is said to moi all the time and is another example of overstating the obvious.

8)   Keep your prejudices to yourself.  I should be your shining example here. The good conversationalist never says “You are so wrong” or “he is nothing of the kind.”

If the conversation is straying into difficult territory or the host is droning on about a pet subject  and you have lost the will to live, you should come to the rescue by turning to someone else and saying loudly and firmly  “ you have wonderful shoes on today, are they new?” The rest of the party will be eternally grateful to you.

An ancestor who sat well

9)   For the ladies good conversation is assisted by being good at sitting. Fidgeting is frowned upon. My grandmamma could remain motionless for hours especially if my grandpappa returned home after a hectic day at the Glasgow Stock Exchange looking for a relaxing diversion.

A lady should never refer to her husband as Mr when speaking to others or you will be regarded as provincial and become the butt of jokes. He is “my husband”.

10)  There is a tendency among some men of the “ instructor type” as I call them, (you know the sort – 50+, no friends  and they make you take your shoes off when you get in their cars) to lecture rather than engage in conversation. Let me tell you now no one is interested in how a blast furnace or jet engine works. If you have a hobby like stamp collecting or in Jasper’s case collecting capodimonte figures, either stay at home or find other like minded people not wanted by the police who are without social skills or empathy.

11)  There are a great many topics to avoid in conversation, these include boasting that your family were executed within the Tower of London to a self-made man who longs for such distinctions; enthusing about the benefits of a winter skiing holiday to Switzerland to a lame person; operations or hospital talk of any description; suggesting that a lady may be anticipating and of course money, politics and religion.

12) Conversation may take place in just one room or even indoors, sometimes your host will suggest that you might like to “see my improvements.” This is a signal for you to admire his estate plan in the library or on going out doors to show admiration for a new bend in the river or a newly planted coppice. Under no circumstances ask where the money came from for this investment or where the dispossessed cottagers have gone who used to live where the coppice now grows and which will make such strong hoes for the West Indies where one also has land. There may also be a new pond.

For the modern family it is more likely that going outdoors will feature a tour of the garden which has a new rockery and a pond with gold fish not to mention a swing hammock. You will refrain from commenting on the border of alternating blue lobelia and white alyssum and simply smile wryly at the garden ornaments including the toadstool and gnome with fishing rod, saying “ and do you plan to add anymore gnomes to your collection?” Allow your host his moment in the sun he probably works as a manager in a blast furnace somewhere.

Cousin Lulubelle Arrives

“Mrs Wylie.”

“Yes, Mrs Travers.”

“ Sorry to interrupt your Ma’amship.  I know you are busy working on one of your famous lectures which leads to a  life of gracious living but I thought you would like to know that your cousin, Miss Lulubelle has just arrived and is currently in her chauffeur driven car showing the driver her southern know-how. Are we at home?”

“ Oh yes, oh gosh Mrs T, yes. I have indeed been totally involved in preparing a fascinating lecture-ette about conversation. I had forgotten she was coming. That’s Japer’s fault for annoying me at breakfast.”

“The world is waiting for your lecture Mrs Wylie, and Mr Wylie has gone out, but perhaps first before we start evangelising about consonants and the like we should see what your business partner Miss Lulubelle wants?”

“Could we have some coffee and some of those brownie things she likes?”

“The tray is all ready laid Mrs W, now that’s the door.”

A New Business Plan 

“ Why Cousin woman, it’s good to see y’all honey.”

“Hello Lulubelle to what do we owe the pleasure?”

“ Why cousin the pleasure is all mine, well at least it was a few moments ago.”

“Coffee?”

“Why that’s mighty kind o’ you dear. Now I have been looking at the books and studying some trends with a cash flow analysis, a projected 10 year forecast and integrated business plan for “Chez Nous”, the Interior Decorators of Choice for the 1960’s.”

“ I thought “Chez Nous” was the Decorator of Choice for the discerning  Glaswegian?”

“Cousin, as I keep saying to y’all and to Cousin-in-law Jasper, and come to think of it where is that darl’n li’le man of yours? y’all gotta widen your horizons .  Li’le ole Lulubelle is confidently predicting that 1960’s Britain is going to be a swinging place and a leader in style, music and art, and Cousin we gotta be ready for that. A’am thinking we should open a brand new shop called “Chez Nous Pour Vous” in which we feature the latest in contemporary designs for the home. So I’ve booked you and Jasper on a fact finding and familiarisation trip.”

“Oh Lulubelle, I don’t really want to go to London in February and I am busy writing one of my guides to gracious living.”

“Oh honey y’all so sweet, the future ain’t about gracious living. It’s about smart ,stylish living and y’all ain’t going to London. You and that silver haired darlin’ of a husband are going to Stockholm, which is in Sweden near Scandinavia.”

à bientôt

February 1959